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Invite a friend More silly stuff from the British comic Viz. Some letters:
KEEP a copy of Love Actually or Mrs Doubtfire in your medicine cabinet at home. The last five minutes of these films can induce vomiting if toxic substances have accidentally been swallowed. (T Crone, Louth)
FAT partygoers. Your overloaded plate is more likely to go undetected if you don`t sing, whistle or hum with delight at the buffet.(Macker)
PEOPLE think Stephen Hawking is so clever, but when you ask him a question and he is typing in the answer on his little screen, how do we know he isn`t just looking up the answer on the Internet? (DNC, London)
I saw a few weeks ago that a man had been arrested trying to smuggle 2 kilograms of cocaine into the USA. Then last week I heard a man got arrested trying to smuggle 10 kilograms of cocaine out of the USA. I wish they`d make their minds up, do they want the stuff or not? (Pete T)
My teachers told me I would never make anything of myself if I sat staring into space during lessons. However, I had the last laugh as I am now the Astronomer Royal. (Martin Rees, Greenwich)
On holiday a few years back, I took part in a quiz and managed to reach the final only to lose out after what I consider to this day, to be a correct answer. The question asked `What `C` would you associate Jeremy Clarkson with?` to which I confidently replied `cunt`. Not only was I told the answer was incorrect, but I was asked by the holiday rep to leave the premises immediately. Has anyone else experienced such appalling treatment whilst holidaying with one`s family? (Noel, Leeds)
Tips:
Climb onto your neighbour`s roof and dangle a fish on a bit of string in front of his windows. He`ll think his house is underwater.
Girls. Next time you feel like throwing a ball over-arm, don`t, because you can`t and it just looks silly. Just throw it girlie under-arm style, and no-one will laugh at you, or get hurt.
X-Files fans. Create the effect of being abducted by aliens by drinking two bottles of vodka. You`ll invariably wake up in a strange place the following morning, having had your memory mysteriously `erased`.
Save time when crossing a one-way street by only looking in the direction of oncoming traffic. - D. Rogers, Hemel Hempstead
When crossing a one-way street always look in BOTH directions in case a large blue furniture removal lorry is reversing the wrong way up the road. - D. Rogers, Hemel Hempstead General Infirmary
A next door neighbour`s car aerial, carefully folded, makes an ideal coat hanger in an emergency.
Hijackers. Avoid a long stressful siege and the risk of arrest, imprisonment or death by simply making sure you book a flight to your intended destination in the first place.
Deter goldfish from having sex by throwing a small bucket of air over any that you catch in the act.
An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive vibrator. Sister S., Berwick
Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you`ve taken anabolic steroids by running a bit slower. - B. Johnson, Canada
Spice up your sex life by trying a bit of `rodeo sex`. Take your missus from behind and, holding on tightly to her jugs, call her by the wrong name. See how long you can `stay mounted` for.
OLD telephone directories make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and address of people you don`t know.
Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at the chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the fucking thing in the first place, you fat bastards.
Dyslexics. Try deliberately spelling words wrongly. This way at least you have a chance of spelling them correctly.
Make guests believe your home might be bugged by running your hands under tables and inside lampshades, then turning the shower on every time you want to speak.
Make your girlfriend cry when you`re having sex by phoning her up and telling her.
International master criminals. Tell your guards to shoot James Bond in the head at the first opportunity. Under no circumstances give him a guided tour of your base, or leave him in the custody of attractive women in bikinis.
